motherhood | love & chaos

 

"I have decided that this act of mothering is my worship to Him right now.

Dying and delighting in myself and in them.

There is failure and yes, it is messy and sloppy sometimes. Yet forgiveness and grace and growing"

  Lovelyn Palm

 

 

this new challenge in my personal journey of motherhood has been tolerable at best, sure the sleep deprivation and dividing my time between both of my children are tough. I am finding us lashing out and punishing Phoebe more these days, she has been testing us like crazy lately and honestly to a breaking point. She has been horrendously moody and just the worst she has ever been since turning two. I have know idea why and I honestly wish I knew, because I know she is this little person filled with all these huge emotions and she has it tough communicating what she wants and needs with us. I am trying my hardest to be kind to her, to listen to her and give her the love that she is seeking from us but it is so difficult when she is being loud and when Zoey is in dire need of her nap. Perhaps we should put Phoebe is daycare but then I feel guilty for getting rid of my child for a few hours because I feel it is my absolute duty to look after her, not someone else, just me, all the time. I don't want to burden anyone else with the craziness that she brings in a hurricane second. I know she is probably just bored and seeking attention and I wish I could focus on her more and spend quality time with just her. 

motherhood is effin hard and most days I am finding myself being swallowed by this frustrated, no patience version of myself who I despise, some days I let this thinking get the better of me and it is slowly consuming me. I felt the exact same sort of defeat in those first few months with Phoebe and just put it down to baby blues because I was ashamed to call it something different. I clearly remember sitting on the stair case holding her just crying, wishing she would go to sleep and settle without me having to hold her all the time. This time around, I just find myself more angry than sad, life right now in my eyes seems unfair even though I have somethings many dream of. I know I will get through this and I somehow battled through it all last time around and treaded water for a while there, suffocating in the darkness that was inside of me but I finally conquered whatever demons had their grip on me and saw happiness, but it did take a fair bit. Funny enough, this defeated side of me, came about just when I started building my relationship with God again, I was finally beginning to feel the holy spirit surrounded me in moments of surrender and then a few days later I just was filled with so many emotions, honestly I put it down to just hormones {monthlys} and I am still questioning it.  

Maybe what ever is affecting me is something that needs a wider help because it's like I am staring at two different people in the mirror but yet I still see myself. It is like I am fighting with myself mostly, just trying to stay afloat. It is a crazy thing because I can be super fine, happy and calm one day and then just horrible the next, maybe it is also down to just being damn tired all the time. I think it also comes down to finding time to just do me, to have that solitude with out the chaos, to read a book or watch something with somebody not being attached to me all the time. I struggle to find time to even read a paragraph in a book most days and I stupidly started a book before Zoey came along but the bookmark has not moved at all since then. Now that I am healed a bit better, the drive to workout has kicked in and I want to workout so bad in the mornings, sometimes I do it, even with a fussy toddler and an awake baby, sometimes it works out and sometimes its a bloody mess and in that moment I blame myself for being a complete idiot thinking I could even accomplish that one task. 

There was a quote on a show the other night that I watch, it was "all of me for all of us", the context of the quote in the show was that the person would sacrifice themselves for the better of their people and honestly is that not what motherhood is all about. Sacrifice. A few months ago I walked past a shop in town that had a position for hire, I immediately got excited and was thinking I would apply and then I did a fricken backwards step and shook my head, I laughed at myself and was like I am a mother, what the hell am I thinking. I know there are those moms who work but for now this is me, this is all of me, I am a mom 24/7 and that is pretty much it. Sure, I edit our photographs but I am a mom, that is all I know right now. Sometimes that feels like a blessing and a curse. 

Everytime my husband ask me when I am going to start buying things for myself, like clothes etc and I am just like nope, there is no time for me at all, I am happy with just getting things for the kids. Does this thinking ever stop? Will I ever actually think for myself again? I hope so, I crave for the days and nights when we can start having our time together, going on dates and staying away from the kids for a little bit. Just to reconnect and get back to one another without the distractions of life right in front of us. We laugh about going to the movies with two kids now, its impossible yet we have not tried it, it would be a complete disaster and I mean who wants to go to a mums & bubs session as a date. Not me! I cannot wait till they are older so we can just have some breathing space. 

I also miss being creative, sure I have this outlet and stuff but I rarely pick up a camera for myself these days, I have forgotten how to even work those gadgets and mostly just point and shoot now, I miss being creative in my own mind and planning shoots that are just only me and my ideas. I know I edit for our business now but is that enough for me? Is that a big enough creative outlet for me? I don't think it is. I miss being proud of my own work that I crafted from the scraps of my mind. I also miss playing piano, just myself without a toddler attempting to press all the keys, I remember I use to play it by the window when noone was home, the sun shining in and having the freedom to belt out whatever song I wanted too. I used to do that for hours but now my piano is literally collecting dust and I even bought new sheet music a little while back. I know that times change etc but there has to come a point where I can to back to all of these things and relish in the serenity.

At the same time of wanting freedom to do all the things that I want to do I also just want to be with my girls and my family. I want to spend one on one time with Phoebe and teach her something new or just laugh with her over silly things and I want to have quiet times with Zoey while she gives me the sweetest smiles but without distractions, without the stress of it all.  

I miss my freedom and I desire it, I miss the freedom to make decisions without asking for permission, to not be the one begging for adventures, the freedom to have my time with Jesus, to not have a newborn attached to me all day, to be creative and start taking photographs for myself or playing piano without distractions. Freedom to find solitude, read a book, drive anywhere and everywhere, to dream and bring the dreams that I have put on hold to light, to workout and make myself feel better. To rage and be free of all emotions, to focus on me and start being more healthy. To focus on the kids together and individually, to start living again instead of letting it all pass by like a blur, like a duty, to not be tied down to one place but at the same time not go far. 

At the moment I am reading "She is Free" by Andi Andrew and honestly maybe this book is showing me that I am valued and that I deserve much more. I still have dreams and desires in my heart which have grown dormant but they are still there, I feel them emerge every now and again as silent reminders. One day I want to own my own children's store with all the beautiful things I have found for my own daughters and I want to build our forever home in the midst of the Scottish Highlands (think Grand Designs), these two dreams are so realistic to me and are so tangible that I know I will one day get there but the wait for these two dreams is just hard and I feel like I am just sitting, waiting for them to find me instead of me finding them or making them seem closer. I think in my mind God will just hand these things to me on a platter, heck maybe he will and that will be amazing but I really have to start thinking about how I am going to make them a reality. 

I honestly have no idea what this post is even about but I think all this just needs to be poured out of me so I can focus better. I mean this is my outlet and I am so thankful for this platform, the trust and support from all of you and that this is a safe space for me to just be me. I guess I wanted to express my heart along with these beautiful innocent captures that we got of our little family in our little adobe. I think I wanted to express how I felt in the words because it is hard to see how a person really feels in photographs these days and it is quite easy for people to hide their true feelings. I do love these captures that we got of our family and the craziness tangled in with the love is a thing of beauty. I do hope I can keep expressing myself on here and being more open, honest and raw. 

xx