To be quite honest with you I did not expect myself to want to write a blog post about what ever came at Colour Conference this year, to be honest I did not go into the week expecting anything from God or excited for what was to come. Little did I know that God wanted me to feel that way, I believe that He wanted me to be feel the way I felt, downcast and all because if I did not feel that way He would not of been able to speak something so unexpectedly into my heart.
The days leading up to the conference, I was complaining about absolutely everything and saw it as a hindrance in my life. It just was so out of the way of where we lived, the travel alone deterred me and the fact that I had "other" things I wished to spend my over-powering money on instead of this thing that took away three days of my week. But I know now that all of that darkness in my heart was the enemy, trying to sway me on going, trying to prevent me from going to the one thing that would make me ultimately stronger against him. The moment I stepped into the atmosphere, the moment I felt the presence of God in that space, it was just me and Him.
This year at Colour Conference I learnt that as an older generation we have to teach the new generation to rise up, be brave and most importantly guard their hearts. As a mother I pray everyday that my daughter will open her heart to Jesus, that she will know through my love for her and His that she is so valued, that she is beautifully created in His image, so flawlessly lovely and that she can conquer any dreams her heart desires. I want her to learn that guarding her heart is the most significant thing a young girl can do, I learnt that lesson the hard way, carelessly throwing my feelings around when I was younger taught me valuable lessons and taught me so much, the world is beyond harsh, people's words are heartbreaking to the younger generation and I am so afraid of her getting hurt by it all. I want to teach her that despite the flaws she thinks she has, she is so beautiful, despite the words people throw at her, she is a beloved daughter of Christ and that she is crowned in His glory, His mercy and His love.
They had this one segment at Colour that will stick with me forever. In The Secret Garden session, Laura Toggs and a few other brave, inspiring women read to all that was there, letters that they had written their younger selves. This was the moment that I realised the younger generation is so lost, so vulnerable and so broken, especially young girls, with bullying, abuse (emotional and physical), social media, body image and finding out who you really are, they need guidance, they need us as their mothers, sisters to take their hand and lead them out of the darkness that binds them. It frightens me, I just want to shelter Phoebe in my arms forever and keep her from the shadows of this life, like kid can you just go to bible college and marry a nice church boy and be untouched by the demons around you. I feel that it is my calling as her mother to raise her up in the church, to show her how loving her Father is, how He holds promises and riches beyond her heart can even imagine, how despite what happens to you growing up, despite the darkness, your mistakes, that He will never ever fail you, He will never ever leave you or stop loving you.
Doesn't it scare you how reckless we all were when it came to "love" as teenagers, no-one was there to tell us why we actually date, I had a CLICK moment in my brain at conference that dating leads to marriage, a commitment that we as kids did not even think of or care about, we did not think of the consequences of dating, we just did it because it was the "in" thing to do. I shudder at the thought that if God was not leading me then who else I would of ended up with in the end and I thank him that He saved me when he did, there was plenty of times I could of made the wrong choice. He knows the plans He has for us and all the mistakes that we will make and have made, it just blows my mind how much He values and loves us, me in fact. I never looked at my relationship with God before, I honestly did not think I even had a solid one with Him but His love for me is immense. I am so excited for what the future holds and especially next year's conference, I mean come on! AMANDA COOK is going to be there (words cannot express my love for Bethel's songs). Seriously that song "We Dance" sung by Steffany Gretzinger is just such a blessing and I just love it!! and you should seriously go listen to it right now and every other single song written by the Bethel team.
And I will lock eyes
With the One who's ransomed me
The One who gave me joy for mourning
And I will lock eyes
With the One who's chosen me
The One who set my feet to dancing
But speaking on the future, God placed the most craziest, wackiest, never gave a thought, desire in my heart at conference. The sparks were already there a few weeks before but He lit the damn flame in the quiet moments. Even typing this out looks crazy to me because the thought of this never even was on my radar! I do want a second child so much and I am baby hungry, I will not deny that but the desire to adopt has unwillingly entered my heart, it is so strong that it is outweighing the desire to fall pregnant again. I cannot even express this desire, but it is just immensely placed in my being that I cannot believe I did not see it before. I guess God knows the right timing and when exactly to surprise the heck out of you!. Honestly the thought of adoption it scares me so much, the waiting, the unknowing and the cost! It is insanely frightening. I don't even know where to start with it! I know this is not an immediate thing for us, for me but He has placed it there as a flame and it will fan into something beautiful in His time. It is crazy how just in the past week there has been all these signs pointing to Uganda, I mean Lisa Harper adopted a beautiful girl and we met Lisa in the elevator at Colour, she is such a kind-hearted person!, Riv Bennett, a talented photographer and a sister after my own heart is currently over there doing something great, on Youtube one of my subscribers actually went their a few years ago and that video was suggested to me to watch. When they did Compassion at Colour I felt that sponsoring a child for me is not enough, I want to bring that child home, rescue them and show them a life they never even thought would be theirs. Before I was afraid and curious on how a woman can love a child that is not their own blood, that is not born to them but God has placed this motherly warmth in my own heart and I now know what that feeling is like, to be someone else's mother is such a blessing! I don't know what the next step is with this but I have asked God if it is something He wants us to pursue than that He would put the desire in my husband's heart and if it is not, for Him to take it right out of me.
I guess I have no real idea on how to end this little thing whatever it is but I will just do a piece on some women who I look up to, who inspire me and who are just beautiful souls.
Firstly and probably the greatest person I know ever is my sister, Tracy, I mean how do I even begin?! The sad thing is though, she leaves the country soon to embark on her next chapter with the love of her life (hello!!! I am the love of your life!) but jokes aside, Tyler is one lucky guy and so glad she found a really kind-hearted one to love who she is. She is so inspirational to not only me but others, she has just conquered her dreams and been so bold doing so. She is so on fire for God and her church, when I see her doing what she loves I can't help but cry inside because she has just become the most beautiful woman ever. (this counts as a speech for your wedding right?) but whatever I am glad that Phoebe has someone to look up to and admire and to see firsthand what God can do in someone's life.
Secondly, it is so surprise that I adore Bethel's worship music and everything they bring to the world, but there is one person that I admire more so than others on the team, for reasons I do not even understand but I do know that she is just a talented, beautiful person and maybe that is reason enough but Kalley Heiligenthal is an amazing artist, she is one strong mama and I just think she is a strong woman of God. I mean have you heard the song "Ever Be", seriously as a music loving, piano playing woman I love that song to pieces. I would love for Phoebe to grow up and become a worship leader, I mean she already loves singing so I shall keep my prayers on coming but I would love her to be as strong, God-focused and set on spreading the gospel.
You Father the orphan
Your kindness makes us whole
You shoulder our weakness
And Your strength becomes our own
You’re making me like you
Clothing me in white
Bringing beauty from ashes
For You will have Your bride
- Ever Be, Bethel
Another powerful woman that I greatly admire has to be Lisa Bevere, the first time I saw her was at Hillsong ages ago and she spoke about us females being lioness's and I have always had this thing where I am so protective over my food (I joke about it all the time but I am a lioness) but she just blew that out of the water with her whole book "Lioness Arise", through that book I learnt just how strong I can be not only as myself but as a woman, that I can be fearless in the sight of darkness and that I can be who God called me to be.
“These women are talented and gifted, fearless yet honoring, connected yet self-contained, present yet far reaching, compassionate yet fierce, pure but not naive, strong and gentle, simple yet highly strategic.”
― Lisa Bevere,
Lastly I just have to put a few actress's who I think are at the top for being beautiful, inspiring and powerful, Phoebe Tonkin, Marie Avgeropoulos, Lily Collins and Natalie Kelley, seriously crushing so hard on these ladies, not only do they play their roles so strongly, empowering us in the fictional but as real-life woman they are powerful, so beautiful and I really admire them. Phoebe Tonkin (The Originals and if your an Aussie 90's kid, H20), I admire her character in The Originals, she is just so powerful and strong in it and I won't lie but Phoebe's name is loosely based off it because she makes it such a conquering name. Marie Avgeropoulos (The 100), now her character Octavia is such a babe, but even though she is the rebellious type she overcomes so many odds against her and seeing how her character changes and transforms into this insanely wise and strong warrior woman is just bloody amazing!. Lily Collins (Love Rosie, The Mortal Instruments) I have always loved how she seems like she has an old soul and I just started reading her book "Unfiltered" and I am loving it already so much, she has always been the actress that has remained true to who she is and has not changed by the industries rules and standards and I love that about her. Lastly, Natalie Kelley, she is a new-comer to the table for me but I am so madly in love with her Instagram feed, the photography work that she does is so stunning and inspiring, I love how free-spirited she is and that she is a Sydney girl! She is so gypsy-boho that I just can't! She is beautiful and so powerful with her beauty, I admire how she just knows herself and loves who she is is. Seriously her work with Neil Krug // bliss.
I don't even know why I included these women into this post maybe I am just fangirling like crazy or maybe I actually see a point in sharing these strong, inspiring women with you all, because I think it is so important that we all have others to admire, draw inspiration from and who can empower us to love who we are and be true to ourselves. I guess this is the end of this post, make of it whatever you will but I am just thankful I have an outlet where I can freely express myself, without being ashamed of what I say, to tell all the parts of my heart willingly to others. The world can be a dark pit of hell and harsh words and it is so easy to keep quiet and stay your inner voice, but I encourage you to speak out, reveal all and make yourself feel a little bit lighter. Trust me, it feels so good! // peace