Another Blessing | Little Cashew

I knew I did not want to do individual bump updates this time around because I have a toddler and trying to organise time to just do her monthly updates is quite hard enough so going go throw everything into one or two posts for now and see how that pans out for me.

{wrote the first little bit at around five weeks pregnant}

So we traveled up to Tamworth this weekend (6th-9th June) and I was expecting my period on the 6th, I had the usual grumpiness, the headaches and the cramps so put on a precautionary pad because I was expecting it to arrive soon. So we made it to Newcastle so we could spend the night with family before doing the rest of the drive and I still had no sign of Aunty Flo, so I just thought it must be delayed because of the shock we had during the week with our dog having a medical emergency so I thought nothing of it. We had dinner and I had an insane craving for ice-cream that hanged around till the next day, I did not think anything of it and brushed it off (we just started that keto diet so thought it was withdrawals to that) so we finally did the last leg of the trip (Phoebe was a nightmare in the car) and every-time I went to the toilet I was expecting my period but nothing came, so I started thinking well that is darn as hell odd. 

So came two days since my period was due, I still had cramping, like period cramps so was still just waiting for it but I had noticed I kept getting waves of nauseousness every now and again. Usually I test like everytime I think I may be pregnant because one way or another I want to know and to ease my craziness but this time I did not want to know straight away. So we went to the chemist in the afternoon after we spent time with family during the day, which helped me get my mind off my absent period, we bought some pregnancy sticks and then I waited till we got back to actually take one (I was in no rush at all which is again weird for me) I was still unsure on whether or not it would be positive or negative but none the less I did the exact same thing I did before I took a test with Little Viking, I prayed on the toilet and then I knelt on the floor holding the test, I prayed that if I was pregnant that this was God's perfect plan for us, that this was His blessing and that this would be a safe, healthy pregnancy/birth experience. I took it out of the packet? wrapping? whatever and there was two lines! Somewhere inside of me I knew that it would be two lines (there was an internal happy dance) but oh the nervousness that hit me instantly was insane and so overwhelming! I quickly ninja'ed my way to Benjamin to come look and he got this sort of silly giddy look on his face, I mean because I had a crazy giddy look on my face as well and we celebrated in the bathroom. The moment I saw the two lines and it started to sink into my head I just felt pregnant, I could feel the tenderness of my already stretching womb and that motherly love starting to spark shortly afterwards. We had not been planning for another baby, I mean heck I thought Phoebe would be our only one for a good darn while, but at the same time we had not been preventing it either, we sort of just went with the "it will happen in God's timing" and those months where I stared longingly at my period tracker app, noting the day's I would ovulate was the hardest, it was only this month that I pushed it all behind me and tried not to focus on it at all, which is insane because it is the same thing I did with Phoebe, I did not make myself in control, I made God in control of the outcomes and well he certainly blessed us indeed! 

I can't even express the amount of nervousness I had, still have, it pushed out any sort of excitement I had in that moment and filled me with so much fear. The fear of early miscarriage, the fear of certain risks when pregnant a second time with a c-section scar, the actual birth part of it all! Every bad thing that can possibly happen filled me to the brim and all the planning that we needed to do! Like possibly move house (we quite adore our humble abode), maybe invest in a new car, some new baby things, pick a hospital, appointments and everything else! My mind was swimming and drowning at the same time as well as welcoming that overwhelming, uncontrollable wave of emotions. Second time around I realise how long 8 months really is, I know now all the aches, the dark side of being pregnant brings and hell this baby will be due in the summer time so the heat & being 40 weeks or something is just going to be the worst but at the same time I feel like I have forgotten everything that I knew the first time around, everything is new again. I had already begun to feel nauseous, super exhausted, jeans starting to  already be uncomfortable to wear, I liked favouring my right side at night to sleep on, left side just felt iffy, I had a deep love for  cauliflower, popcorn and soy sauce, not all together of course!. I cried whilst watching some Disney movie the other night, like full cried and had to go wash dishes to stop myself. 

The night I took the test Phoebe was not sleeping well so I held her in my arms and she fell asleep resting on my chest, I died because if everything goes well she won't be my only baby anymore. In a odd way my love for her has tripled because she is my first born, my special little viking and I don't want her to feel left our or not have time for her anymore. I have given her so much of my attention over the past couple of days and I also realise that she is not a baby anymore, I am not only proud of how far she has come but of how far I have come as a mother. She changes daily, grows all the time, she is getting more and more clever and my love for her is just immense. I was reading through my 4 week update with Phoebe and I wrote this bible verse at the bottom,

"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all the power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light" Colossians 1:9-12

It is so beautiful and I cannot believe I forgot about it. I love it so much even more so now and will pray this over both my babies, both my babies! I cannot believe I will be a mom of two little ones. I will admit I am praying for a girl, I mean sisters is just the most beautiful blessing ever and would love Phoebe to have a best friend. Poor kid, she said hello to a kid in the shopping centre and he ignored her, the utter heartbreak on her face killed me deeply, she just wants a friend. If it is a girl then we would not need to get that much baby clothes, my Pinterest is kind of swamped with beautiful organic goodies though. It is so hard not to get ahead of myself at the moment because these next few weeks, I don't know what is going to happen so I have to remind myself to take a step back from all of that and just enjoy each day. 

UPDATE // 6 WEEKS 

Feeling less pregnant than I did when we found out, almost to the point of was I imagining it all? No more cramping, no more nausea, I just feel super normal. My period is 46 something days late so most certainly am pregnant but am counting the days like a madwoman! It is so hard to be patient this time around! II just want an ultrasound so I at least know that a wee babe exists inside me, I need confirmation and only have another appointment in two weeks or something to confirm the blood tests. Loosing my mind at how slow this pregnancy is going to feel second time around. I am mega gassy {tmi right}, sleeping at night is already hell for me, it takes me forever to find a comfortable position and I already have to pee during the middle of the night. Cravings are off the chart and I just want to eat all the sweet things, ice-cream and salty chips, chocolate, its horrible and all gross, feeling like a slug already. 

UPDATE // 7 WEEKS

Morning sickness, all day sickness, in the middle of the night sickness is just the worst and needs to end like right now. I can't even enjoy a coffee in the morning anymore or drink a simple glass of water because I just feel so darn nauseous! I have some energy but I get a bit cranky and sleepy in the afternoons. Been having horrible nightmares, like deep sleep suddenly woken up nightmares, first one was jurassic park like hiding from a t rex whilst carrying Dakota, then second night it was just a nightmare about me driving by tonnes of dead pets just on the road and then a big dopey dog kept running near a truck and then went onto the highway and caused a massive accident, I woke up as I was running to see if the dog was still alive. Honestly, just nope nope nope! Hope they do not continue happening. 

UPDATE // 10 WEEKS

Today was the day we finally got to see Little Cashew {yes that is the offical nickname}! I was so nervous and excited leading up to the ultrasound appointment (especially the holding my bladder part) but the appointment could not of been any more perfect. We had it booked in Penrith and the moment we walked into the empty waiting room (bliss) I was just calm and full of excitement. The ultrasound lady was super super nice and so informative on everything happening in my little womb. Little Cashew is perfect, we heard his or hers heartbeat 160bpm (PERFECT), he or she did a little wave and was moving around a bit, the 3D scan was a bit creepy, although Cashew just looks like a jellybean with stubs at this point and is measuring at 3cm, due date is 15th or 18th of March 2018 depending on if you go by LMP dates or scanning size but we are just so thrilled that we finally got to see our baby and it just made it all so real! We got a tonne of pictures printed which was awesome and I cannot wait till our next appointment!!

{also these quotes because - ENCOURAGEMENT}

"A women must put her blood, sweat and tears on the line for the child she is birthing. It is an opportunity to demonstrate that she has the strength to be a mother. It is not a time to avoid pain, because motherhood is painful at times. It is not a time to seek comfort, because motherhood is not comfortable. It is not a time to shrink back, because motherhood requires that a women reach deep inside her soul and show what she really stands for.. it is in the birth.. that a woman must show her trust in herself, her trust in God, and be consciously involved in a deliberate act of creation by giving her heart, might, mind and strength to what is before her. " @erinwilkins

"the power and intensity of your contractions cannot be stronger than you, because it is you"

UPDATE // 11 WEEKS 

we told the parentals this weekend about Little Cashew, it was all shock and excitement but they are super happy for us. 

UPDATE // 13 WEEKS

So apparently we are really close to the cut off date for getting the nuchal scan, the one that may or may not be able to tell you if your baby will have down syndrome. We went to my gp to get a referral for Nepean but he just could not stress enough that we had not booked or gotten the nuchal scan yet. He was stressing me out and I actually started believing him that we needed to get it done asap and I mean who does not want the chance to see baby again in an ultrasound. But a quick google of the place we went to get the first ultrasound done quickly brought me to reality with the price tag on that particular test, I realised that even if we got the test we would not terminate this pregnancy so why would we need to know if the baby will have down syndrome or not if we are just going to accept this beautiful blessing come what may. I know we got it done with Phoebe, but I think we just jumped at the chance to see her in utero again and also we were booked in with the hospital then so we did not have to pay a dime and a leg for it to be done. Also my gp was so hell bent on telling me how much weight I gained since I was 18, umm hello I grew up and I carried a baby and gave birth to a baby, of course I am not going to maintain by 51kg weight at the age of 28! He even printed out a sheet graph to show just how much weight I had put on!! like are you bloody kidding me. I am by no means to myself overweight, I mean I am chunky but I am a mother, I try to work out every morning whilst a toddler crawls all over me and I am super proud of where my body is at right now. I accept and love my body for what it is at this stage in life, I mean of course I want it to be a little bit fitting and firmer but when I have the time to do that I will do it. I am at a higher weight this second pregnancy around and he was like well last time you put on 10kg so this time just be careful..well thanks for pulling out the judge-mental card and for making me feel like shite! even though I say I love my body, after that appointment I am finding myself second glancing at my body in the mirror and just judging myself on the scale etc. I know that the one thing I disliked about my last pregnancy was that my face was literally like a moon, like moonface from that kid's story book! looking back on the photographs I just dislike my chunky face, I mean I did look happy at the time but we are the harshest critics on ourselves. I just don't want to be a bully to my own body this time around and I really hope I can learn to love myself more.

UPDATE // 14 WEEKS

So today we finally had a booking in appointment at Nepean Hospital, this was the moment where afterwards I would feel insanely relieved and happy to be in the safe unnecessary care of the hospital. I mean after all I figured I got so used to the craziness of Westmead that Nepean would be no different. But after today I feel more anxious and more stressed then before, being put on the high risk list just did not make me feel good, I mean it was expected since the whole Alagilles syndrome thing but in my head, since Phoebe is healthy and I am, that was not going to happen, but the minute you try to explain the syndrome and the midwife starts typing it on every single piece of paper etc, it is downhill from there. Nepean Hospital for me, feels sooo different to any other, walking in, it sort of has college vibes to it, maybe because I was carrying a tonne of papers from the past pregnancy. Anyway we got to the waiting room for the prenatal clinic and you take a number and sit down, which is pretty effective and better than Westmead, but Phoebe was hella crazy after projectial vomiting everywhere at lunch time, I mean curdled milk, bad egg reaction all over our precious lunch (the worst), afterwards she was much happier but in dire need of a nap. So she was being crazy, running around causing us to become major stressballs, so we get to the desk and say the usual, then she tells us that Katoomba is out of the catchment area?! like since bloody when?! I then I say, well they told me to come here for a possible vbac, she goes silent and gives me this odd quick look that I am unsure of what it actually was but nonetheless finishes booking us in etc, then she says oh well you won't be able to have midwives sent to your home after birth...in my head I clearly remember Westmead organising for Katoomba midwives to come visit us after we had Phoebe so I will certainly be chasing this up closer to the time of birth. We did not have to wait long to see a midwife and then comes that part where the entire process takes like hours, which soo many questions to answer. Most of which I suck at because my memory is really not the greatest and Ben had to leave me to take Phoebe out because she was just flippen nuts. So there I am in the tiny room answering questions I do not know proper answers to like some bad essay test, she asked me how much Phoebe weighed and how long labour was, lady I do not remember any of that, don't they have that written down somewhere and such! I felt stupid and honestly I had a cold so I was very spaced out and dying to breath fresh air, being put on the high risk list and being told I have to see a high risk doctor next appointment just reminded how much I dislike the hospital system, watching pregnant women walk in one after the other really just makes me feel like another cow in the factory of business. I thought I would want the over needed care, I thought I needed that to make me feel better but now it is just all a bit much and I just want to come out of this with a 100% healthy baby and the next 6 months to just be darn simple.

UPDATE // 15 WEEKS

So today I had to do the silly glucose test early, yayy not! I honestly forgot how gross that drink is but I think last time it was not refrigerated, not to sure if that makes it worse or not. So of course knowing me wanting for things to happen quicker, I stupidly drank the bottle in a minute when you have like five minutes to drink it, idiot! Women came out with straws and slowly sipped them casually where I actually got darn brain freeze from it. After doing that I went back out in the waiting room to sit for an hour before more bloods get taken and let me tell you quickly, that lady was the most unapologetic blunt person ever, she was like oh your going to bruise from this and then jab jab jab, needle. No preparation statement, no comfort, no humanity just jab jab jab, needle. She was quick I will give her that but goddamn I want some comfort lady! So the first hour was horrible and I felt like throwing up numerous of times but luckily I did not, I remember feeling the same way with Phoebe, after that first hour I immediately felt better and just wanted it all to end quicker. Last needle done and I think I like ran out of there because at that point I was in dire need of food and coffee! We heard no news back this afternoon so I guess no news is good news so hopefully I passed and don't have to do it all again later on.

we also had our high risk appointment with the doctor in that same week. The doctor we saw was super nice and just down right made us feel so much more relaxed during the appointment although Phoebe decided not the nap at all the entire morning so Ben had to leave halfway which was such a shame because I got to have a quick ultrasound during the check up and got to see sweet baby, it was sleeping on its side and moving its feet and knees, I seriously died from the cuteness apart from the fact that its skull looks like a hell hound but hey so did Phoebe so maybe it will look like her. {Please be a darn girl} The appointment went well, booked in for an ultrasound in a month time, have to see Nepean's gene specialist just to update the hospital and also get another ECG done just to make sure everything is going fine and no troubles arise during labour. She said next appointment we can discuss delivery options so I really hope a vbac is not out of the question. She also told me that we have to test our own urine, which is very different to Westmead but okay, I swear I am going to forget everything she showed me for next time. Also had to get more darn bloods taken and my arms are not healed from the GTT bloods so that was not fun, but also did not hear anything back so no news is good news.

UPDATE // 16 WEEKS

I look pregnant in almost everything and anything. no hiding this baby bump. Also feeling more kicks and movement from baby Cashew, hello reflux, hips separating, feet hurting whilst standing to long, sore lower back and just rather large breasts. It is all happening this week!

UPDATE // 19 WEEKS

We had the anatomy scan today and Little Cashew was super stubborn and making the ultrasound ladies job not easy for her, everything with Cashew looks perfect and we found out what the gender of baby is! ANOTHER WEE GIRL!!!! we were totally expecting a boy and the entire time beforehand we even thought of a boy name if it ended up being a boy but it is another girl and again I am in complete shock but am so excited for Phoebe be a big sister and have a little baby sister! We had to book another ultrasound because she could not get a good look at Cashew's profile because like I said someone was just cosy and did not want to move. So at least we get to see her again and to find out if she really actually is girl. I love how they are like well there you go, and your sitting there staring at the nether-regions of your baby via scan and trying to figure out what your looking at whilst they look at your dumbfounded face before they tell you what the gender is. Also this week I am feeling more aches and pains in my hips, pelvic area and lower back, it is the worst getting up in the morning and sleeping at night is proving to be more uncomfortable as each day passes {started to do stretches each morning and seems to help} I can feel baby move a fair bit more and today it felt like she was using my insides as a trampoline. We bought our first official wee baby clothes today for this new baby and am so excited to get more (in moderation) and I have started planning the shower/sprinkle.

UPDATE // 20 WEEKS

This week we both felt you move from the outside which was super duper exciting. My womb has grown past my belly button so you must have more room to kick and stretch out. You move when you hear Phoebe or when she is crying and sometimes she startles you. Phoebe learnt how to give you kisses well my bump kisses and she is getting much better at saying "baby". We just cannot wait to meet you sweet girl! 

UPDATE // 21 WEEKS

I can now see you kicking me from the outside of my belly now, you are super strong baby girl! And it seems like you never rest or sleep because your moving up a storm. You wake up if I wake up way to quickly or something, I remember Phoebe doing that exact thing also. Having hella strong cravings for nutella and cinnamon at the moment, not a fan of spicy food or salt at the moment either. 

UPDATE // 22 WEEKS

My poor hips are hurting so bad after a long day, my feet get sore when I stand for to long and I am putting on more weight which sucks so bad but it is all for you Cashew, right right?!. Your a strong little kicker and I just want to meet you already, to see if you are like Phoebe or different. I do not want to compare you to her because you are both precious gifts that are so uniquely designed and made by God. But I do wonder if you will be carbon copy of her, or if your eyes will be blue like your Dad's, will your hair be more straight or curly? will you be short like me or bloody tall like your sister, will you love bath time as much as she does? So many questions in my mind and all I want is to know you. 

UPDATE // 23 WEEKS

Had another doctors appointment today, seriously been like an entire month since the last one, swear they just get longer each time! So apparently even though I did it early I have to get the bloody glucose test done again!! Like seriously people, come on!! I also have to get an echocardiogram sometime soon just to make sure everything is looking fine and we get another ultrasound in a few weeks which is exciting! My darn hips and my poor feet are starting to hurt way more and my Van's are getting uncomfortable again just like the last pregnancy, swear I even went up a shoe size and lived in joggers. 

You sure love getting cosy on my bladder kid! I can feel you put all your teeny weight on it or roll near it and I am like bam, toilet! This week, dad felt you do big kicks from the outside again, I felt your teeny body or some limb move along my belly and your just kicking up a storm in there. I cannot wait to meet you and really wish it was time already!

UPDATE // 25 WEEKS

Certainly feeling mega pregnant and looking like it too, seriously only this far along and I am already struggling with everyday tasks such as cutting my toe nails, reaching for things on the ground, doing up shoes and such. I fell asleep the other night and was so uncomfortable and thought this is it, this is the wall I have hit and the understanding that heck I am actually pregnant and the aches and pains are only going to get more frequent. Some days are good days for me but other days my pelvic bones are just so sore or I am just physically and emotional exhausted. I have to get an ECG done this week to just check over a few things and make sure it all looks good, so far things have been smooth as heck with this pregnancy and with Nepean, although they do seem a bit out of sorts compared to Westmead and just forget to do things at appointments and I really wish they would send text reminders for your appointments because I miss and need that.

Got the ECG done and she said everything looked fine during it but we shall see what the doctor has to say in my next appointment sometime soon. Also Nepean is a goddamn maze, totally got lost walking through there but we found the birthing unit and Benjamin got excited when he saw they had a Christmas tree up in there. Pretty sure we have to get a birthing tour sometime soon and I swear if one person suggests birthing classes to us they are in trouble.

UPDATE // 26 WEEKS

We announced this week to the rest of friends and family and to be honest I was so apprehensive about even announcing because I knew the moment I did, you would not be our little secret and our lives would not be just all about Phoebe anymore. I am a bit down about announcing and certainly felt pressured into doing it but a part of me wishes I did not. Don't get me wrong I am so thankful for the blessing that you are sweet girl but at the moment my love for Phoebe is expanding and growing into a whole world of being proud of the little girl she is becoming, each day she learns something new and I just want it to be about her for a little while longer because once you are here it won't be and I am so afraid of what happens then. Will she be hurt by all the attention she won't be getting? We she be jealous of you? Will she act out because she feels unloved by us? I guess these are thoughts that go through everyone's minds but I really thought it was just going to be the three of us for a while. God blessed us with you was certainly surprisingly and I know he did it within good reason and he knows where our lives will go. I also wonder if you will be our last child, will this be the last time I experience a wee baby move inside of me or grow the gift of life? Who knows what will happen in the future and that uncertainty is very scary and sometimes overwhelming. I guess for now I am treating this as my perhaps my last pregnancy so of course I am over spending like all the money we don't have for all the beautiful finds I discovered over the last two years, you certainly will have some beautiful things waiting for your arrival. Nesting for me has already started and I honestly feel like you could come whenever you want right now even though its so early, I just have a feeling in my bones that you will come early for some reason. I hope so because I cannot imagine being any bigger than I am right now! 

So here are a few bump photographs if you will that we took at some 20 week mark or further and of course some of your sister because hell I love you both. 

xx