I umm'd and ahh'd about posting this, the hesitation was real guys, it is vulnerability, honesty and a whole lot of mama brain babble, but hey, this is my output source so here goes.
When I was pregnant with Little Viking, it was not the wondrous journey of outer beauty I expected it to be, for me towards the end it was quite horrible and of course ending in a not so positive birth experience kind of topped the cake for me. Pregnancy for me and I think and a fair few other women was, to be frank, horrid, the swollen feet and ankles, the struggle of trying to find the most comfortable sleeping position as to stop my legs from going numb or my hip bones from aching, that darn sciatic nerve pain of death, looking in the mirror and just focusing on the ugly parts of my body, going to try on clothing in the shops and just feeling like a complete idiot coming out in despair, being exhausted all the time, sweating in every hidden part of myself, not being able to close the door in cubicles because said belly was in the way, getting out of the car like an oldie, getting looks from mums with kids that said "you poor thing", also getting the "oh I wish that was me" look from clucky over- obsessed ladies and everything else that my brain has managed to erase. It was just not the greatest epic journey I imagined it to be. But in all that struggle and horribleness the only outcome was that we now have the most wildest little girl ever and she is just beyond the cutest thing ever.
Through all of that it is so crazy to know that in my heart of hearts that I would do it all again for another little one. Yeah, I know crazy right? I mean it is so insane how no matter how hectically (is that even a word?) traumatic or uncontrollable our birth experiences are, we all are so ready to get going again and have more kiddies. We are all lionesses ready to expand our little tribe of cubs, we cannot help it, it is in our blood, our heritage, the desire is beyond our control. Just over these past few months, the desire for me has been incredibly strong but the thought is not my own, a few weeks ago I got the utmost blessing to worship with Bethel Music in Sydney and I know that in those moments of just me and Him, God told me that I would have another baby, I saw it and that desire in my heart was started. Before that night I was not even thinking about it at all, the thought did not cross my mind, but recently this yearning has drifted my attention towards adoption. I mean it would be so lovely to eventually down the track adopt a little one and show them a most wonderful life, a life that they never even envisioned they would be blessed with. Every month I am so in-tuned with what my body is doing, ovulation and everything just hits me so badly, my heart is so heavy in that week or so knowing that my body is so ready to embark again but I don't think we as a household are ready for it as I think I am. Every month recently my womb literally yearns to be filled with the little kicks and beautiful creation of a life and every months that tide is getting dearer to ignore. Call me crazy and yes my little one is only ten months old and I already have the room in my heart for another, but honestly the thought of a sister for Phoebe makes my heart beat wildly. I just think having another would be so wonderful for her to experience, because to me siblings are so significant in and I want Phoebe to be a big sister sooner rather than later, also the thought of having another baby before I am 30 sounds rather ideal, I just am so curious as to how different or similar the next baby will be.
I do not know what the next chapter holds for me, for us as a unit, it is not in my hands at all, whatever happens from here in is up to God, He knows everything and the best timing for us is in His plan, I guess all I can do is wait for His answer and then I will know. I know having another child is my deepest desire, but I do not want it to become an obsessive desire, I do not want it to control my life and make this current life a blur, I guess I do to not want to let it become an idol. I also know it is not in my husband's foremost expectations and plans at the moment, well to be honest we have not really discussed the possibility of more children, we joke about it every now and again (I kinda like the place we live in right now - besides not having a bathtub, I would rather not move anywhere else) but whatever the outcome is I will respect it and honor what his thoughts are on the subject. Right now to be honest the thought of being pregnant and giving birth frightens me to the core, the complications that could arise during it all makes me feel disgustingly mortal and I have a daughter who loves me completely and the thought of her not having me around, I just do not want that for her at all. It is so hard to live without fear when you have your first child, I mean I am so afraid of dying at any moment, so afraid of leaving her without her really knowing me and I her, I think I am nuts to be honest haha! Just having a child makes you feel so human. Perhaps I have a phobia of dying who knows.
These particular captures of me during pregnancy have been hidden away on the depth of the computer for a reason, Benjamin recently re-edited them and encouraged me to share them with you guys since it is our work etc, but I am so afraid of judgement because for me they are oh so vulnerable and honest, I don't really see amazement, a woman's body creating life, I just see a rather large version of myself, sure in some captures I look happy and maybe in the moment I was for a little but when I look at photographs of myself I am quick to point out the flaws. Perhaps growing up with not that much natural beauty encouragement, all that the social media world throws at you, insanely gorgeous models and celebrities and all that shite probably has ruined the perfect version of myself, the real me. Do not get me wrong, I am ten months post having a kid, working out every couple of days that I feel up to it whilst wrangling a toddler and to be honest my body is actually better than it was before falling pregnant, I might not be at my ideal weight goal but my overall body is somehow more tone and shapely, which is rather odd! I am hardly working my butt off but doing enough to do something and make a difference. Anyway before I begin rambling on about goodness knows what I better stop, I mean bravo to you if you made it this far without closing the tab. (here's $10 go see a star war) well heck, I feel the need to put warning on these photographs, caution there is nakedness? how silly am I? but it is such a vulnerable thing to be at a somewhat point to share these images, I mean it is art after all but heck. .
[ this is a good blog read which gave me some insight - link ]