Compromise is fast becoming my middle name.
I do not love it at all and I do not welcome it.
Is it old age? Is it me giving into quantity over quality?
I honestly just want to give Little Viking the best things & being a designer mum that is a tonne of brilliant things to be bought. It is so tough wanting to get the best of the best for her and I find myself more and more compromising for not the best which is very frustrating for me to deal with. I just want to go out and buy it all now before I just give up and lose myself in it all. I am finding it so hard to deal with one income this week, just because I find myself staring at all the things I have pinned, all the things sitting on the registry that need to be bought and I find myself in a panic, in a stupor or just stuck in concrete because I can simply just run out and grab it all because I feel like it. I also just want to go to the local bookstore and buy random books that tickle my fancy for no reason and dwell in stories. I don't know what it is, maybe it is hormones or my brain just going haywire but I am just not coping being still and waiting. I know that Benjamin is trying so hard to provide and I just want to help him with that and provide for us to but how? Every plan I come up with involves investing money into something that could not even work out in the end and what then, I wasted money that we could of used on something worthwhile? (Benjamin reassures me this will not happen & our future investment plans will be successful) I am finding myself getting more and more frustrated and emotionally charged at little things, like the fact that I can't type words properly on here (typos), I can't simply clean the house because my pelvic bones are horrendously painful or when Buddy does not listen to me and misbehaves and I have to tell him to go on his bed several times but he does not. I just feel like crying my face off like a toddler, I did that yesterday when I bumped my little toe on the edge of the bookcase thinking I had broken it or feared it would be gushing out blood but thankfully no, but just the whole pain experience and being alone at home dealing with it was a bit to much for me. Am I just being a little baby about this? Or is this a thing? Maybe I am not focusing on the right things at the moment, mostly God. We have not been to church at all this year yet (due to living far away and planning for it), it has been hard for us to commit to travelling down to church, especially when we have to pack up the dogs in the early morning (which is horrible when they are so excited and your still on sleep mode) and then we run late and then just decide not to rush to church. Maybe I need to focus on God more and what he provides for us and has? I have not done proper devotions in forever, mainly being I do not have new devotional books to dwell deeper into (which is frustrating), I do pray every morning and have prayer points for each month but it is not enough to keep me sustained in my faith. Maybe I am just going through this silent valley of whatever and am not even aware of the ditch I am in and maybe, well hopefully I will make it to the other side soon and all will be fine & dandy.
But seriously compromise. What is that even? Is it a strength or a weakness? Because sometimes I feel cheap for falling for it and other times I feel like I have won a race with it. Since we have moved I have had to compromise on a lot of things, what we buy for dinner and snacks, what is priority in groceries and what can I live without this week. We have not gone on movie dates in a while now mainly because we can't find the energy or time to go and again the dogs ( we need a dog sitter or something). I just feel like there is a lot more I could be doing these days but I don't have money or time or energy to do those things. It is not lack of motivation at all it just lack of life? No, lack of faith (I have no idea!!!) I feel like I am ranting on and on about nothing right now but its something if it is all coming out onto this blog right?
Oh and now that I am getting more aches and pains and becoming a sissy-girl!! I am not even sure if I can handle natural labor! I started watching OBEM (One Born Every Minute) I used to love that show but now it all is so real and it freaks me out! I thought I could handle it, maybe I can but every little pain is so painful to me and I am now freakish over blood (Benjamin cut his hand whilst mowing the lawn and I almost threw up). Now I am freaking out over how labor will be for me and will it be horrendous, will it be beautiful, will I throw up or pass out or just explode from the experience! I have no idea. I had a handle on this but as time ticks closer I think I might lose my mind and what I actually want out of my birth plan and I don't want to, believe me I want to be that strong warrior woman who gives birth without making a peep with a stare of determination & strength. I WANT TO BE THAT WOMAN! but I am unsure if I can be when the time comes. GAH! My mind is just everywhere at once and I need it to be pulled back into one solid structure of hope.
This morning I found myself compromising over the crib that I have loved, dreamed and drooled over for years compared to a simple flat-pack one or maybe even a generic one from a local department store and I honestly hate it! I don't want to give in and give up just because I am running out of time to get one an order it. I find myself compromising over clothes for Little Viking and we want to get her good stuff off online local stores but then you see something in a department store and it is "cute" to you and you want it, basically because it is there in front of you and is "cute". There are somethings that I want for her that will be an investment and will be used for future children and those things I will not budge on, I will not give up on those things but slowly I am on the crib so what else will I give up on?!! It scares me to think that. It must be so nice for people to just go and buy it all at once instead of plan and time what you actually want, need and prioritize. I have always been this way though, my mind is 100 years ahead of the present time and I want everything and anything to full-fill the desires, I have always been this way and then I get depressed when it doesn't happen, but at the same time it is so easy for me to forget about it in a few months and then I am fine again, so maybe this will happen? Or Little Viking will come and I will be sad at all the mediocre, generic things we bought for her and be mad at myself for not fighting for the nice things I wanted to get her and I will feel like I let myself and her down? Or maybe I will not care about any of that because I will have her and everything will be peachy? My mind is already 100 years ahead, I already want to buy things that she can't use as a newborn, like her first bike, books she cannot read yet, clothes that will not fit a newborn, a tee-pee (let's face it they are awesome), already planning her first birthday party when I said I would not do that, already planning her first birthday gifts, already planning for trips in the future and especially a big one for my 30th. (LETS NOT GO THERE, NOT READY TO GET OLD PEOPLE) but seriously will it all end?
Yeah I just don't know what it is I am dealing with fully, not sure what it is that keeps me awake at night (Well I know its my darn pelvic bones!). Maybe I need this rant or more importantly maybe I just need a break, a holiday or a goddamn bath! (I still want my baby-moon guys), maybe it is just hard for me to relax without my usual comforts (which is of course a deep bubble bath of Lush goodness which I am craving like a crazy person). Maybe in a week or a month I will be fine and would of forgotten all about this? Let's hope that happens because this cannot go on like this, I cannot go on like this. I need to find my inner strength again, stand firm in my somewhat faith and just be a lioness again. I hope I find it and soon.