When I wrote this I was 10 weeks and 3 days, I noticed that that time that over the past 2 weeks I had become so high strung, just easily stressed and getting upset over the smallest and biggest of things. I put it down to all the hormones and bodily changes going on but even though I am pregnant I just felt empty inside. I just felt like there was so much more I could of been doing to make a better future for our baby, like maybe getting a part time job or anything just to pass the time. Time goes so slow for me when I am at home and all I wanted to do was swimming, I mean I was craving swimming if that is even possible, I love it, the whole floating away and relaxing feeling you get from being in the water, I almost feel free. Back then I thought about getting a part time job in retail but of course I forgot just how crazy and stressful those could be and especially around Christmas time so I was back at square one. I also just felt so frumpy and disgusting all the time. I usually work out every day before I found out I was pregnant and these days I just get so exhausted at the end of the day and the thought of working out just is not for me. I do want to work out so badly though but the motivation is hard to come by and I have to be careful about working out to hard. I guess at that time I was also stressing a lot about church. Since we found out we have just been super busy on the weekends all of the time and we do not have the time to go to church, I miss church like so much, I miss Hillsong and just being in the presence of God. Around that time we started a small group at a different church and to be honest, I was not ready for small group. I just felt like where I was at and still am with God and my personal journey with him, its still developing and I just want it to be me and God, I just want to focus on my relationship with him. I just want to get into a relationship with God where I am just so trusting with our future in his hands, where I do not stress or worry and I can talk to him, listen to him wherever I am and just be grounded in my faith. I find myself in small groups comparing my "weak" faith and knowledge to others, I get timid and look at myself as not as knowledgeable in the Bible and God and see it my faith as nothing compared to how amazing other people's is. I am just not ready for small groups yet, in the future I wouldn't mind hosting them though, I can picture myself blessing company with good food and if they need advice or comfort to come to me personally just not in a big group environment. I feel that is how friends are made, not in big group settings, but in one on one personal moments of trust. That is what was in my heart at the time and still is today. I just want to focus on relaxing and this baby and God, not stressing about everything else. I mean I have not stressed like this in such a long time and suddenly 2 weeks was all it took and I was stressing like a mad woman.
Looking back on this journal post, growing my relationship with God is one slow journey for me and I do have bad days where I back step a lot. It is tough holding on faith and just being so grounded in what God can do for you and just how much he values me. I just hope and pray that our relationship stays strong and only gets stronger so I can encourage and raise Little Viking with the same love and understanding.