Healing Thoughts | It All Takes Time

Cannot believe that it has been three months since I gave birth to our little girl, three months since my first c-section experience, three months since I experienced contractions for the first time and three months since my heart exploded into a bounty of new found love. 

I have been remembering how horribly hard it was in those first few hours and weeks of healing from my c-section. Thankfully everything went well with the surgery and there was no complications, I think that really added to the healing process for me. I remember lying in the bed for the first day and being so feeble that I could not even lift my own body, slowly day by day I learnt to pull my self up from pushing off the bed and grabbing onto the blankets to pull myself up. It all felt so silly, I felt so helpless lying there and not being able to move that much. I remember getting up for the first time and I had to adjust to doing that as well, I had to learn to lean forward again and use my legs and not my stomach, one of the midwives explained it has being a ballerina (lady I was no graceful swan in those moments). Using the toilet was another whole ordeal for me, I had to have help most of the time, couldn't see a thing down there and didn't even know if I was on target with the toilet most of the time. I remember the time when I was able to do it all on my own, it was quite a wonderful feeling to be able to move around and depend on myself again, felt like being reborn again in a sense.

When we got home I remember how I carefully took steps up the stairs, think it took me like an hour to get up there, well it felt like it. I still had to have toilet assistance (thank goodness for my caring husband), I was scared to shower in-case I fell on the wet floor, I was just afraid to do a fair bit of things but now I feel confident in my body and my abilities. The other day I started working out for the first time in like eleven months! I felt so darn good but heck today my arms and butt are so sore from it! I did half cobra push ups and worked my triceps and it was the first time lying on my stomach and it just felt so odd. We recently moved back up to our bedroom from the couch and I need to fall in love with a bed again, right now the sheets feel so heavy on my body, like I am being crushed, I can't adjust my pillows properly and it all just feels so different. I am dying to sleep on my stomach but with breastfeeding breasts I do not know if that would be comfortable or not. Update // lying on my side does not pain my hips anymore and sleeping on my stomach is a slow journey but a welcomed one.

So few weeks ago I decided to start on the mini-pill, I have been putting it off for age because just like the drugs they gave me before birth I really dislike things that mess with my body and the brand of the mini-pill that I have has a tonne of side effects. So after much hesitation I took one at 6pm few weeks back (figured that would be the time I take them, easy to remember but I have an alarm checked on my phone just in case). I was feeling fine until I went to bed a couple hours later, I had the worst gas pains every, literally felt like contractions and I was crying because it was like PTSD for me, honestly. I couldn't go to the toilet at all, it just was not working, my poor gut was in agony. Some how I managed to sleep through it but when I woke up in the morning I felt so ill, I had horrible nausea, I literally could not move, my stomach did not want to be touched, so I did minimal walking and bending. I ventured downstairs to do work because I just felt rotten and I guess I couldn't sleep in so whatever, but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa because I just felt horrible, I even made a peppermint tea but didn't end up drinking it. 

So I kept taking it the next night even after feeling so sick and just eating soup for the day and then the next morning I had a horrible headache when I woke up (yayy to all the side effects) and then at night I had some light bleeding that was unexpected. I figured it was spotting but the third day came by at it was heavy like a period so I assumed it is my period (not to sure) but heck it felt like it and my hormones were going through the roof because I could feel daggers coming out of my eyes when I got angry or upset over the smallest of things. I was miserable at best (isn't that a song) most of the day and just horrible but hey! at least I didn't have to get a pap smear done that week.

So yeah let's hope my body get's used to the mini-pill because I guess I will be on it until I stop breastfeeding which by the way, how do you stop? In my mind my breasts with just explode in time and then they become normal? I do not know the process of it all and it freaks me out? Maybe I will be forever breastfeeding because of the fear? I have no idea but I want to be on the normal pill. Is that selfish? I guess I will need to think on it more I mean the mini-pill is only 97% safe and the normal pill is 99% (>.<) GUYS I don't want any surprise siblings at the moment!!!!! Ah it all just freaks me out and why put us women on something that messes up our bodies so horribly and does not even act as a good contraceptive!? It is all just so stupid. I mean I guess you do it gradually and over time your supply decreases? I mean that is what it feels like to me so at the moment I am breastfeeding her about twice a day and I try to hold off until they feel fuller than usual because she just gets so fussy when they are not full enough. Update // pretty sure my body has become "adjusted" to the mini pill, have gotten two periods so far and have been fairly normal, well as normal as they can be. 

My c-section incision is barely noticeable, like honestly it is such a weird feeling that I was literally cut open and put back together again, I don't think that even registers in my brain yet and I don't think it will ever. And speaking of weird feelings, I can now confidently touch where my scar is and it still feels a little numb, like it has numbing paste on it obviously it does not but I wonder if it will ever feel "normal". I can finally start sitting up normal from a lying down position but some times I do feel when I overdo the activity just a little bit. I do get random little tug pains every now and again, not enough for it to be concern but enough to remind me of everything that went down. I really hope that when it all happens again that I really think about my decisions for the birth, I mean I had a birth plan but it just seemed that noone even cared or asked about it and the thought that I could of pushed her out if I only pushed for my own decisions or done more research haunts me everyday, like I feel just a little bit shite for not giving it a go or standing by the decisions on my birth plan. I mean I am thankful that I have a healthy baby and maybe it was all meant go down the way it went but I just wished I stuck to my guns and did it the way I wanted it to go. I hope next time I can let that happen and I will go into labour naturally, I will be able to withstand normal contractions and not Pitocin ones, I will be able to labour in the water and not be afraid to yell, scream, cry without being invaded by midwives sitting in my room, I will be able to give birth vaginally to our second born and relish in the beauty of it and feel like a warrior woman because most days I do not. I feel so cheapened by this emotional feeling, like I don't have that birth bond with Phoebe (don't get me wrong I love her with all my being and breastfeeding is starting to build that motherly bond of mine and make it stronger) but  I mean I didn't cry when she came out, I teared up a bit but I wasn't overwhelmed with love, does that have something to do with not giving birth vaginally? Maybe it is because the epidural took away all the pain, the struggle so I didn't connect with the marathon side of birth? I didn't seek the reward during the storm? Maybe because it was my first birth, everything moved so quickly that my brain did not have time to process it? I guess I will never know and I wonder if these thoughts will haunt me forever, I really hope they don't and I really hope I get the birth that I want next time around.  

So yeah that is just an update on how I am going with things or just what is going on in my head. Obviously I wrote this a while back and just added little updated snippets to it because heck who has the time to fully type out a entire blog post whilst they have a little one to look after plus edit a tonne of vlogs/shoots. New changes are coming very soon to PTFD so be on the lookout for that! 

xx