On most days I wake up entirely exhausted, like I did not get any sleep at night. At the moment give or take I wake up once maybe twice depending on what time we got to bed to feed Phoebe and I either welcome the wake up or I am so damn grumpy that I just pawn her off to Benjamin. Some nights I love waking up to her sweet smiles, not so much her hungry noises but I tend to breastfeed her when she is sleepy so she feeds longer and doesn't fuss, usually that takes an hour, in this hour I am either googling things on my phone, staring at this little cute being attached to me or trying my hardest to not fall asleep.
I cannot remember the last time I cooked a proper dinner, Benjamin has been doing most of the cooking and I just the suggesting, I really want to start doing it again but I am such a mouse when she is sleeping during the day that I barely make a coffee for myself, also her nap time is around 6ish so I really don't want to make so much noise and wake her. (she tends to be super cranky or harder to put back to sleep after it) To be honest sometimes I don't even flush the toilet because I am afraid of waking her, but I am just so paranoid. Sometimes I do make noise and she will not wake, which leaves me impressed or she will and I will hate myself for it.
We don't have a bath but I think if we did I would be living in it at night, I miss just relaxing in the tub with bubbles, a candle and a book. The shower is my saving grace in the morning and at night, I just wash away all my stress in there and finally relax. It really is tough being a mother, you have so many other things running through your head and you want them all done asap, you find yourself staring at unclean things like dust on the bookcase or dishes and you either let bombs off in your head, cry about it, stare some-more or tackle it. (my go-to has been to cry about it or let bombs off these days). You want to run all these errands but you afraid to venture outside because how do I control the pram and walk the dog, you put books next to you during the day and tell yourself you will read them but you either chuck on Netflix, blog or nap on the couch, at night you only get to read one page and then your asleep because its the "wisest thing" you can do with a baby.
I really think us mothers need to just have a break from mothering, from trying to be everything at once and trying to do everything at once. I am not saying we should give up, run away or anything like that I just think it is so important for us to hold onto who we are, to empower ourselves when we are defeated, to relax and refresh our hearts and minds and to just live a little. The other day my lovely friend took me out for lunch for my birthday, which meant Benjamin got to look after Phoebe. This was my first time leaving her with him for a while and the previous night I was filled with all sorts of guilt and worry, I mean I know he can care for her but as her mother, like I have the "motherly touch" and what if she doesn't settle or she misses me or whatever! I just felt a lot of fears come to light. Benjamin commanded me to only text him when it was getting dark and I laughed in my head because in mind I knew that outcome was impossible.
So the moment I said goodbye to Benjamin and Phoebe I felt immediately lighter, even a little younger? I have no idea but I just felt different. I felt like myself again and not just a mother, but just because I felt like that did not hide the fact that I am a mother. The first thing I even asked my friend was a mum question, legit it was "Do you need to pee", it just came out of my mouth like second nature, like just had to make sure we had used the toilet for some reason, we thought it was hilarious at the time though. So we got to the place we would have lunch and it was so lovely to just eat and not have to hold and feed a baby, to not constantly check if she is sleeping or worry if she is going to have a moment in front of all the diners. It was nice to just take the time and eat, to catch up and chat about normal things although I am pretty sure the only conversation that came out of my mouth was baby related half the time.
We then went to see a movie, Bad Moms, now this movie was inspiring in small ways, heart felt and hilarious at the same time. It is the perfect chick flick to just chill and watch. We had a blast and we were the only people in the cinema, that is Katoomba for you folks. Seriously the sound track of this movie is like my jam at the moment, probably all moms who just want to let loose haha! None the less I came back home feeling refreshed, empowered, inspired and just ready to hug my baby after the long day. I felt like I could do anything, I could accomplish anything and that is why I think it is so important for us mothers to have a break. We need to find ourselves to better ourselves as mothers, we need that bit of freedom to be stronger and I definitely felt it the other day.
I encourage you to get out, take your pets for a walk, go get your hair or nails done, go spend hours trying on clothes and perhaps buying a whole new outfit, go get a coffee and relax with a good book. You deserve it!