So we have come to this point : currently 40 weeks & 2 days over-due. (so crazy)
I didn't think that I would make it to this point and I honestly thought Little Viking would decide to come on her due date (18th) but alas there was no sign of her arrival on Monday. The 18th for me was like that feeling you get before Christmas, it was filled with anticipation of what was to come so when nothing happened or progressed I was a little bit disappointed but I sort of just accepted beforehand that she is just not ready to arrive yet. I felt really nauseous the previous day, just feeling off, had a few longer cramps and was just generally exhausted, but labour was not around the corner for me that day. Honestly a week or so ago I was just over it all, the aches, the horrendous no-sleep phase, I was just done being pregnant, but ever since she has not decided to arrive I have just felt so at ease, calm and full of patience, I think I just know that she is not ready and I do not want to force her to be. This time that we have now has given us some much needed time to nest like eagles, unnecessary nesting sometimes but it has been good to get our minds off of it all for a bit and focus on other things.
I am so open to giving her the time that she needs for those final stages of development and I have just sort of handed everything over to God. He knows the plan for us & her, he knows when she will arrive, the perfect day, the perfect moment and I am just trusting in Him right now. I have been really wanting to take the time I have now to just focus on Him, to just mediate on His promise for us, whether that be just listening to worship music or reading a few verses, I just feel like that is what I should be focusing on at this moment in time. I have been listening to Bethel's album since it came out but this week I have just felt more connected to the words of some of the songs, there are so many songs on this album that are just so amazingly deep & empowered, but one that I just love is "Faithful To The End", it is just so comforting and just fills me with so much hope & trust right now. The lyrics are just pure poetry to this situation and I cannot get enough of it.
I will sing of all You’ve done
I’ll remember how far You carried me
From beginning until the end
You are faithful, faithful to the end
(listen to the album, it is pure brilliance)
So this week we had our usual Tuesday appointment at the hospital and the entire previous week I was just so filled up with anxiety for this appointment. I was due to have a cervical exam and a possibly stretch & sweep this week but I am so beyond proud of myself for declining it. The entire week I was just fearful of what was to come, I did not want to cause my body and baby any distress at all and I think it just took me the entire week to come to a decision to decline, I mean I knew I wanted to decline from the get go but I was just backwards and forwards on the matter. Over the weekend I discovered "The Birth Hour" podcasts (seriously how did I go this long without podcasts?!), these podcasts are purely just people sharing their birth stories, some of them are long and some are short but they are just great to listen to, some of them do scare the heck out of me but when some of the women start crying and explaining the emotions behind everything causes me to just weep inside. So I think with listening to that and listening to Bethel's album, my mind did a switch on itself and I just knew that declining was the right decision for me and for baby. So I woke up on Tuesday with this sense of empowerment, I just felt like I could take on the world that morning and no one could stop me, I felt brave, strong and just courageous in my heart & mind. We got to the hospital and I was just giddy with the feeling of saying no to someone, we waited for our appointment and eventually got to see the Dr. Now this Dr we have never gotten before and he was in scrubs (which let me tell you made me even more happier to say no to the cervical exam), he was super kind and surprisingly understanding, he didn't pressure me into the exam, he didn't question my decision, he just accepted it and all was well. My vitals & baby's are all doing well so he informed me that I would get about a week to give my body the chance to do things naturally and come Monday I will be getting induced at the hospital.
Now my fears for being induced probably out-way everything at this point. I am trying my best to stay focused on God this week and it has been hard, especially when I start googling people's induction stories, the horrible contractions that is caused my Pitocin and the chances that you will have a c-section rise with every medical procedure that happens during the induction process. I really really want to have a natural water-birth with Little Viking and the chances of that happening now are just minimal in my mind, I mean I could also compromise on this and have the birth that I want next time around with our second child but I am so fearful of it not even happening then. When the Dr explained the whole induction procedure I just felt that empowerment, the bravery and everything dwindle out of my body, I felt vulnerable, small & just back to being another chicken in the factory. I think I am just so worried about being so out of control of what happens to my body with all the medical procedures, I am so fearful of just not having a hold on my own thoughts, decisions and quite frankly loosing my mind. I am worried about the risks that could happen, the higher rate of ending up with a c-section in the end, what everything will do to Little Viking and to my body. It is all a lot to think about and I honestly do not want to but I can't shut it all out right now. The whole birth experience for me is one that I think will be stuck in my heart and mind for eternity and I just am fearful of the outcome at this point. I know I should be trusting in God and I am trying but I think it will take me the entire week to come to that sense of peace and hope that everything will go according to His plan and that He will be by my side the entire time, I really hope I am able to maintain that sense of bravery, courage & empowerment that I know I have inside.
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
I really pray and hope that Little Viking decides to come before Monday, I mean this weekend is Benjamin's birthday so it would be sweet if she is just waiting for that day to arrive (best birthday present ever?!).
Keep us in your prayers & thoughts!