Have to be honest, the days and especially the nights are not getting any easier.
Being 26 weeks pregnant has been one of the toughest weeks in the entire journey of pregnancy.
Emotionally I have just been feeling like an anxious cat, like a glass about to overflow with water, I just feel so not in control of my emotions and I can't exactly pin point what is actually the cause of the overwhelming sense of it all. I mean my mind rationally puts it down to pregnancy hormones, because three times this week have I just cried for no reason but feeling overwhelmed but maybe its because I don't have a sound perspective about things at the moment. We have a lot happening in our life at the moment, we have the baby shower this weekend, I find myself constantly trying to make sure everything will turn out superb for it, making sure we have enough food, goodies and general comforts for our guests, I have a long list of perfect items off the baby registry that are top priority on the purchase list but are unable to get them financially (I mean we all would just like to buy everything at once, but life does not work that way), we have big items we have to get for Little Viking, I don't have enough essential clothes for her, enough little things and have not purchased any cloth diapers yet or even started packing the hospital bag. Perhaps it is all of these things that my all controlling mind and forward thinking just want to have in front of me and done, dusted, purchased, but alas it all can't happen at once.
I know that these things take time but 4 months and less before she comes is just not enough time in my mind for anything.
I know I am not alone and I have the attentive support and love from my husband but at the same time I just feel like even he can't soothe the overwhelming emotions that well up inside of me. I was cleaning the bathroom yesterday and I just wanted to sit down and cry for no darn reason, I have no idea what that is even and I don't want it to be a reoccurring thing. Maybe its the fact that I am starting to change bodily, into this pregnant beluga whale figure with a giant growing belly that seems to be bigger every time I look into the mirror, or the fact that I can't shave my legs anymore with out it being a challenge or I keep eating the worst food (chocolate) because I am just so high strung and its the only thing that makes me feel a teeny bit better for a little while. Benjamin bought a beer from the local cellar and I swear, I actually miss the ability to just relax and have a drink, I am so jealous that he can just enjoy it at his leisure (happy he does, he deserves it) but how do mothers keep fighting the good fight and not just have a glass or a teaspoon (as Ben puts it) to get by.
This week has just been horrible on the symptom chart, I noticed I eat dinner and then 2 hours or less after I would be starving as if I didn't even eat at all, the hip pain has been so severe and during the week on one day I could hardly walk up the stairs (I just felt like an old person), a new thing has been dizziness, which must be caused by me getting up a little to quickly or just doing way to much (But that is how I work), heartburn has been a staple keeping me up at night and I dread sleeping because I sink into the marshmallow like mattress like a anchor and turning over in the middle of the night I feel like a elephant struggling to get out of the mud.
I will say some good things that came of this week is that Little Viking did reach the second stage of viability, she is now the size of a bunch of bananas or a fennec fox which is brilliant and I do feel her getting bigger because she now moves my entire belly, which sometimes she pushes against my already stretched skin and it does make me jump, gasp just because it feels so strange and new, she has been getting hiccups daily at around the same time of day and I find it funny how she always rearranges herself when I move in bed.
So that is it for my 26 week update, hopefully this week will be a little bit better than the last. I will include some beautiful poetry by Mary Oliver, her words just speak volumes to the right eye and I think I am falling for her prose.
Did you too see it, drifting, all night, on the black river?
Did you see it in the morning, rising into the silvery air -
An armful of white blossoms,
A perfect commotion of silk and linen as it leaned
into the bondage of its wings; a snowbank, a bank of lilies,
Biting the air with its black beak?
Did you hear it, fluting and whistling
A shrill dark music - like the rain pelting the trees - like a waterfall
Knifing down the black ledges?
And did you see it, finally, just under the clouds -
A white cross Streaming across the sky, its feet
Like black leaves, its wings Like the stretching light of the river?
And did you feel it, in your heart, how it pertained to everything?
And have you too finally figured out what beauty is for?
And have you changed your life?