I wrote this a year or more ago (I think - there seems to be some time-jumping!), and the idea was just to start a fertility journal, which would eventually become a baby/pregnancy journal. I have decided to share this part of our story because it holds honest truths and real emotions, and I hope it helps some you in any way.
Looking back and reading this I am glad towards the end we started to focus on God and his plan for us. It is quite hard to do just that when medical people tell you otherwise or its just so overwhelming your drowning but I am glad we made the decision. I learnt how to focus on God's word and plan instead of what people say to me. I still take the words a medical person says to mind, but I do not focus on the negative sides of it - instead I pray for healing and a healthy pregnancy. And so far, it has been just that!
So recently I have been watching Ellie & Jared's Youtube channel like all week. After stumbling upon their second pregnancy announcement I am just so addicted to their happy outcome. Their personalities are just brilliantly goofy, real and adorable. Their successful outcome has just given me so much hope and faith in God for when my husband and I start on the road of getting pregnant.
We are in our second year of marriage. A little bit before we got married I stopped taking birth control pills and pretty much just let my body sort itself out and just so my cycles could get onto a normal regular path, all the while knowing it would take some amount of time to get back to normal. After the wedding we didn't do anything to prevent pregnancy, thinking 'if it happened it happened' and if something did happen it would of been a blessing on our lives, and the rest would sort itself out. We had often talked about kids, but we didn't actually have a plan to conceive (ie, not explicitly trying).
After a while of chancing it we decided to actually have a real plan and start officially trying, so I started taking prenatal vitamins and researching. We bought all the baby books (What To Expect When You Expecting) and even the one before that. I learned that my vitamins made me sick so I ate food beforehand also. We decided also to visit our GP to discuss pregnancy, and what that might mean for me since I was born with a syndrome (Alagille Syndrome - a genetic syndrome that affects the heart, liver and other parts of the body). It was diagnosed when I was born (prematurely), though I've not had any real issues as I've aged. But Alagille is genetic, and our GP advised that if it does carry to the baby it would vary in seriousness (my case is not that serious), and there is no way of diagnosing until the baby is born.
For me personally that was a hard thing to go through, all the medical terms and information that was thrown our way after seeing specialists at Westmead Hospital was overwhelming. I had to get several tests done to see how my body was going, so they checked my heart, liver, brain (I had to get an MRI because when your're pregnant apparently the syndrome can sometimes cause clots in your brain which is a scary scary thought!) It freaked us out a lot, but thank goodness all the tests came back looking 100% great and it seems I'm in good health!
Looking back we also could have had tests done to see if I had a specific bad chromosome, but the tests are highly expensive, and even if we did have the tests done, so what - there is no chance of termination or discarding of tested embryos. That would be a horrendous thing for us to go through.
So, we left it all up to God and trusted Him in the end. It was hard! I felt so horrible at the time, knowing that our kids could possibly have this syndrome worse than me and it would just be all my fault for passing it on to them, and then their kids could have it! For me that was heartbreaking but we just had to keep praying that we were going to get pregnant and with a 100% healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy.
It was very hard for us to hold onto the positive notes throughout all of this because we do not know the outcome. I was charting my cycle, ovulation, fertile week the whole sha-bang! And for the past few months we thought were hitting the mark when we thought I was ovulating and so far no positive tests. A few months into trying we got a BBT thermometer and I started recording that which was interesting. Our GP said that he wanted us to wait longer to see if we fall pregnant naturally before seeking any sort of fertility help so we waited longer, although to me seeking fertility help early just made sense to me because I mean you are wasting months and months of potential chances. It was so heartbreaking when I would get my period and of course I would symptom spot like a mad woman and pray to God that we were pregnant and it just didn't happen.
It was very frustrating for me and most of the time I felt like I was failing at being a wife and a woman. At the time we didn't really feel the need to talk to about the matter, purposely keeping it between us for our reasons. I told like two friends that we started trying at the time and I do not think they understood completely how hard of a struggle it really was for us to get pregnant. We really wished we had people we could have confided in, but we couldn't, due to keeping it a secret.
It was particularly hard when everyone around us was getting pregnant like almost instantly and here we were waiting for our blessing and not receiving? One time my period was 3 days late, which was super odd for me, I took two tests and they came back negative, maybe I took them early or something but my period came as usual, so then I was hoping my periods would be normal and I would ovulate when I should be. It's just little things like that, that can knock you back down.
Coming up to 2 years of being married, I feel that we are closer as a couple to go through all of this, I feel like when we do fall pregnant that we will be better people, better parents for it and we will love our children unconditionally and be more thankful. Maybe it was not God's timing for us? I mean, we are not in an ideal housing situation, and to be honest sometimes financially it was hard for us, because we spend too much! Back then we tried to keep positive, we started a glory box for our potential future babies, if I saw a book I liked or a item of clothing that was just to adorable to pass up we would buy it and put it in the box of loved items. Mostly a lot of boys clothing is in there atm with a few floral items, Benjamin is the eldest of 3 boys so we assume we would just have a lot of boys or at least one first. Again we kept this a secret, in case people did not understand or think we lost our minds, but it was not a waste of money for us. In our minds we were preparing for our future in a way, preparing for our children and to me it was a way of showing them how much we love them and want to meet them.
I do also have a list of baby names, and let me be honest it is seriously long! They are ranked in ones that steal my heart to just middle names. A few of them are heartwarming and I sometimes say them out loud or I picture what kind of fun loving child will have that name and it makes me smile knowing we will get their eventually. It does sound crazy but its all just having faith! We decided in the next couple of months if nothing progressed we would seek fertility help. Watching Ellie & Jared channel has given me hope though, even though their story is sad at times and you can see how far they have come to get blessed by one chance with the most beautiful little boy and I just pray that is happens for us. God willing! And we see his favor and blessing on our lives.